Well, it’s 2.54am, and I can’t sleep. I guess I should have expected this, the same thing happened during the Os. I guess I’ll never learn.
Just messaged MN, but I don’t expect a reply till later, obviously. If she’s still awake now…well, I wouldn’t like it very much. MG just messaged me a while ago as well to wish me good luck. Saying thanks is always easy but now I’m sitting here freaking out. Everytime I think about it, I get this feeling of immense rippling in my chest that just makes me want to tear my heart and lungs out and leave them for the next fool who comes along.
Have been going out quite a bit the past few days. Lunch, dinner, library, movie…but it seems like everything just turns to ask in the mouth. Like you enjoy it for the time being, but then you realise that it’s all a hoax, you’re just conning yourself into thinking you’re fine, when your mind is screaming to be heard and you’re just piling pillow after pillow on it, muffling it till it’s just a dull roar in the background.
Parents seem to think it’s all high and dry. “Call us, son, we want to know early!" – and all I can think about is what I’ll do if/when I screw(ed?) up.
I am happy I’m enlisting tomorrow. If it’s good, yay. If it’s not, I get to escape for a while, just ignore it till I absolutely have to deal with it.
Isn’t that just like me? Running away from everything, running towards what I’d been running from.
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